Pairing: Sam/Paul
Rating: PG-13
Codes: C/P. Davis
Category: Het, Romance
Summary: Sam gets a gift she really didn't need!

fifteen in the morning, she was already off of her personal agenda by more than twenty minutes, and now General Hammond had just announced he was bringing a tour of VIPs down to her lab for ‘just a minute.’

“I don’t know if I can TAKE any more interruptions,” Carter complained in a soft voice to the man standing next to her. Paul Davis gave a small commiserating smile, his eyes twinkling.

“I assume it’s all a test of your abilities to multi-task—“ he commented, folding his arms over his chest. Carter grinned briefly in his direction, then looked back to the table, where various component parts of a naquadah reactor were scattered amid tools, schematics and cups of coffee.

“Yes well, tests I don’t need—a nice long block of time to put this back together though—THAT would be a gift.”

“If you want I can fend them off, give you a chance to look busy—“ came his offer. Carter smiled at him, cocking her head as she contemplated his suggestion.

“I think Hammond would figure it out. But if you stand there and do the explaining, maybe I can at least get the major components back in place. You have a good spin on things, right?”

Davis shot a dubious glance at the table, making Carter laugh. He smiled at her again, conspiratorially.

“Let me make it contingent on the group coming down—if it’s some scientific committee, no dice!”

“Come on, Paul—now’s the perfect chance to show off your capacity for winging it—“

Before he could make any sort of reply to that, a huge box came into the room. It was being carried by Siler, who stood holding it patiently as Carter and Davis belatedly cleared off a spot on the worktable. With a groan and a thump, he set the weighty carton down and caught his breath. Carter took the clipboard from the top of the crate and eyed it dubiously.

“Piñata Productions?” she murmured curiously. Davis came to glance over her shoulder at the invoice.

“Sounds a bit facetious for a company we’d contract with. And look at the listings—42 items, educational media for skills assessment and technique evaluation?”

“Sounds boring—“ Carter sighed. She reached for a screwdriver and used it to cut through the strapping tape on the package. She pulled open the flaps and brushed away the pale green Styrofoam peanuts covering the top.

“They look like DVDs—let’s see—oh my GOD!”

Carter pulled out a case with a flaming red cover and bright yellow lettering. The couple on the cover were vividly and intimately engaged, making the title, DANICA DOES DEEP DOGGIE somewhat superfluous. 

“What the HELL--?” Davis shot her a look of astonishment, his own face flushing red. Carter tried to clear her throat and regain some sense of composure.

“It’s a joke—it HAS to be—“ Digging around, she pulled up a handful of the DVDs, each seemingly more lurid and obscene than the last. With trembling fingers she dropped copies of THE LUST SAMURI, THE GAYTRIX, SCHOOL OF COCK and KISS OF THE WHIP onto the table just as the sound of voices and footsteps got louder outside.

“Oh, sh—“ Davis moved fast, making it to the doorway as Carter frantically stuffed the cases back into the crate and tried to fold the flaps closed.

“And here of course is where the best and the brightest of our SG scientists, Major Samantha Carter works,” came the sound of Hammond’s twang.

“Carter, you in?” came O’Neill’s loud voice. Carter jumped, and the box toppled over, spilling loudly all across the concrete floor of the lab in gaudy display.

Before he actually realized what was in his hands, O’Neill scooped up several of the fallen DVDs. Behind him, Rose, Doctor MacKay and a group of young cadets did the same.

“Whoah!” O’Neill blurted, pulling back from the case on the top he was examining. “James and the Giant Peaches? No SH—I mean no KIDDING!”

“Uhhhhhhhh” Carter swayed, then moved with the speed of a striking cobra. She seized the DVD from O’Neill and then one from Rose entitled PASS AROUND PAMMY and tossed them into the box with more panic than accuracy. As one, she and Davis stood in front of it, trying to smile, but looking more like a terminally embarrassed version of the American Gothic couple.

“Here, I think these are yours—“ MacKay gulped, his face a bright tomato red. Carter blinked, but Paul was quicker and took the proffered box without hesitating.

“Well I think we’ve pretty well established that someone with a HIDEOUS sense of humor is playing a practical joke on you, Major—“ he smoothly announced as he turned back to Carter. She was too stunned to do more than nod quickly in agreement. Hammond rumbled, looking distinctly annoyed as his visitors, three men in British military uniforms waited politely for further developments.

“Colonel, Majors, I expect a full explanation as to the nature of this—joke.” He thundered. O’Neill glanced at the box, his mouth twitching until he noted the return address. With a quick look at Rose, he moved to pick the box up.

“Oddly enough sir, and with all due respect, I don’t think it’s a joke. Pinata Productions is a retired dummy corporation from military Intel fifteen years ago. Permission to check this out—“ he tapered off, wincing as Rose stifled a quick giggle. Hammond nodded, and turned to the three visitors who were glancing among themselves.

“And the Great Game goes on, General—nice to see we’re not the only ones playing,” a dapper man in a Wing Commander’s uniform murmured. The other two chuckled and stepped up to the table.

“Now that THAT’S settled, what on Earth is this, Major Carter was it? I certainly don’t recognize these components—“

Rose trailed behind O’Neill as they left Carter’s office, listening to her shaky voice fade away behind them. Once in the clear, she moved to match the colonel’s stride.

“Spill, Jack—what was Pinata Productions?”

“Special Ops used it as a rerouting site for intel they wanted to send into the US through Mexico. Nobody’s used it since the Afghanistan invasion, but I’d be willing to bet a certain rat bastard picked it up as his own little post office. Can you get the door?”

Rose let him enter the office first and followed, shutting the door behind her. O’Neill was already pulling out DVDs and glancing through them.

“Oy! The titles alone are enough to give me nightmares—Shaving Ryan’s Privates, Lord of the Reams, Master and Come on Her—who thinks UP this shit?”

Gingerly, Rose peeked at a few titles and winced.

“Good Lord, there must be about forty of them here—why would Maybourne send this stuff to the mountain, and more importantly, why send it to SAM? I would have thought YOU would have been the obvious recipient—“

O’Neill shot her a dirty look, but Rose fielded it patiently until he gave in with a shrug. He rubbed the back of his neck.

“Well yeah, it would make more sense—let’s take a closer look.”

As they began to look through the box, a knock rattled the door of the office.

“Sir—“ it was Carter’s voice, determined but embarrassed. O’Neill leaned over and opened the door, peering out at her and Major Paul Davis.

“Sir, You need to know that ALTHOUGH the package was addressed to me—“

“Save it, Carter. I’m pretty sure it’s from Maybourne, so you’re off the hook for the moment,” he replied with a smirk. Not quite trusting his smile, Carter sidled in. Rose was stacking DVDs and looking like she wanted rubber gloves to do so.

“Jack, some of these are just downright nasty—I like to think I’m open-minded, but ugh!” she commented with distaste. Paul gave a wince and looked to O’Neill.

“What do you think it’s about, sir?”

“Pinata was an intel drop, so my guess is Maybourne’s hijacked something he wanted us to find. I bet he sent it to you because he knows the NID’s watching my mail pretty closely. The best and quickest way to find out what the hell he thought was worth sharing would be to make it a Blockbuster night—“

“You mean WATCH these?” Carter blurted, aghast. Even Rose looked pained. O’Neill sighed; the joking aspect had just worn thin. He cocked his head and gave a small shrug.

“We’ll divvy them up to limit the embarrassment factor. How many do we have, Rose?”

“Forty two—“

“So—You, me, Rose, Davis, Daniel and Teal’c. Seven movies each if the Major here helps out. I don’t dare farm this out any further than SC1, and we can get it done in a single night with enough beer and pizza.“

Rose began making stacks as Carter looked at Davis. He was as pink-faced as she was, but resolute.

“God, the things I DO in the service of my country—“ he muttered. Carter spluttered into a laugh, rocking forward and gripping his shoulder to stay upright. He grinned back at her while O’Neill picked up the phone.

“Daniel? Whatever you had planned for tonight has JUST changed--”

The next morning was an interesting study in acute avoidance. Carter found it nearly impossible to actually look anyone directly in the eye, preferring to focus on shoulders. Daniel was still blushing a bit, and even Teal’c seemed a bit more subdued than usual. Only O’Neill managed any sort of normality, grousing about the coffee and lounging in his chair at the briefing table, a legal pad in front of him.

“All right campers, now’s the time for all good little reviewers to lay their findings out. Since everyone looks a little shy this morning, I’ll go first.”

He glanced down at the pad and cleared his throat.

“Someone who shall remain nameless thoughtfully graced me with an abundance of homosexual selections, and while I consider myself to be fairly liberal when it comes to an individual’s sexual preferences, I certainly will never think of cockfighting in quite the same way. The first two features held nothing of note, save the size of certain performers, but the third—All Hands On Dick I think it was--had a segment spliced in that looked like a condensed page of computer code. I found another spliced segment in that cinematic classic, Boobzilla, Oy! Thank God for screen capture—Rose?”

“Two segments of what looked like infrared photos—“ she pushed the printed pages towards O’Neill with a slight grimace. He waggled his eyebrows at her.

“And what features held these bits of information?”

“Eat the Parents, and Sex Men Two—“ she hissed out as everyone at the table had a sudden attack of coughing. O’Neill shot a glance at a pink cheeked Daniel. He batted his eyes and spoke up.

“Three pages of computer code sandwiched, if that is the right word, in Illegally Blonde, Sex Toy Story and Screw Me Do. Frankly, Jack, if you EVER make me do this sort of thing again I may have to zat you.”

“Save it for Maybourne. Carter?”

She went bright pink and pushed two sheets to the center of the table.

“A printout of computer code designed to automate a major industrial compound. It was in Animal Whorehouse,” she confessed.

O’Neill scooped it up.

“Davis?”

“Two pages of aerial reconnaissance photos from Mary Potter and the Sorcerer’s Bone,” he muttered in a low voice. Carter snuck a glance at him, but he kept his eyes on O’Neill.

“Lovely—Teal’c?”

“I have acquired a list of names and codenames from a disturbing feature titled Itty Bitty Bang Bang—“ he rumbled, and the group around the table broke into low snickers once again.

“Itty Bitty—“ O’Neill asked weakly through a grimace. Teal’c inclined his head.

“It involved several Tau’rii who were vertically challenged—“

“Dwarfs—Small people—“ Daniel interjected, rubbing his eyes. Rose looked appalled.

“Oh no!”

“Rest assured, Ms Clowderbock that their lack of height in no way diminished their ability to engage in intercourse in a variety of positions and times—“ Teal’c replied. Carter had her eyes closed tightly; Rose was rubbing her own forehead.

“Can we get to the POINT, Jack? What IS all this stuff?” she demanded. O’Neill nodded, collecting the various pages and handing it to her.

“You’re the threat assessor, you tell US—but I’m betting money that Maybourne’s given us the lowdown on some NID operations and agents.”

Davis perked up a bit and gave Rose a direct look.

“If you need someone to help analyze the data—“ he volunteered. Rose, slightly preoccupied as the glanced over the pages, nodded. O’Neill gave a great, gusty sigh.

“Okay—We’ll send the DVDs to a buddy of mine over in Langly, but not for a week or two. In the meantime, let’s all do—wholesome things.”

The entire team stared at him. He winced and got to his feet.

“Fer cryin out loud you know what I mean—“

“Yes, Jack we do—suddenly Saturday morning cartoons and a big bowl of cheerios sounds like heaven,” Rose sighed. Daniel chuckled.

“Bowling. Teal’c, you think you could handle bowling?”

“I would be agreeable to an afternoon in your company participating in that pastime, Daniel Jackson.”

Carter looked over at Davis and drew in a deep breath. Now or never, she told herself.

“I’m up for the county fair myself—any takers?”

Davis broke into a huge smile; he turned his gentle eyes to her.

“Popcorn, cotton candy, overpriced rides and unwinnable carny games—what are we waiting for?”